SPLASH
‘It’s loud. We’re live. We’re ready to dive’.
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| Tom knows it's 'going down the tubes' |
That was the opening salvo from Gabby Logan (cocktail dress) and Vernon Kaye ('long' shorts) to ITV’s new Saturday night stab at riding the wave of the Olympic feel good factor – Splash!
In the run up to last year’s Olympics, Tom Daley was the toast of the nation.
The cute, media-friendly diver was going to be our big medal hope: young, tanned and toned, he was bound to win gold.
Except that actually he’s not all that great a diver.
Now he is one of the best in the world, but he’s not the best.
Which is a shame, because his attempts for the gold medal got hyped out of all proportion.
Poor coaching by Andy Banks, and Tom's management (particularly the money grabbing, Dubai based, Jamie Cunningham) who insisted on him making endless advertising commercials (Addidas) and photo-shoots, as well as Tom's book launch, meant that he only achieved a bronze medal.
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| Tom Daley Addidas Advertising |
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| Jamie Cunningham |
But back to 'Splash !' - The crowd was insipid for everything other than the first three minutes of the show when Tom Daley appeared in his Addidas trunks (at which point they screamed so much that you couldn't hear the actual presenters trying to read their auto-cue).
The TV audience, however, seemed unimpressed.
Twitter was aghast, with people literally not being sure whether they were part of a massive inside joke or not.
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| 'Air-head' ? - Tom Daley Reading the Reviews Does he ever get dressed ? |
Without overstatement, it was the worst thing on television, and the crassest and most feeble attempt to capitalise on the jingoistic spirit of the Olympics.
And Tom Daley was apparently oblivious to the terribleness of it all.
Which leaves us with a question..... Is Tom Daley an 'air-head' ?
Now he has A levels, so presumably he can't be that stupid, but whenever he gives an interview his comments and answers are so vacuous that one if forced to wonder if he has any opinions about anything (apart from 'mentally ill' individuals who dare to criticise him).
And then, of course, there is his mindless biography ('My Story')!
'Splash !' sees Olympic diver Tom Daley 'train' 15 'celebrities' to dive in front of judges - but viewers said it has plunged television to “a new low”.
No bombing allowed... but that is exactly what is happening to Tom Daley’s television show.
What this is, in fact, is an attempt to exploit the public’s love affair with the shiny-toothed young twinky hero in tiny Speedos, Tom Daley, who is both 'coach' and cheer leader for the series.
It’s one of those simple formulas really... People love Tom (well, teenage girls and gay guys), and Tom dives.
Plus people love celebrities, especially when they’re being put through the wringer.
Plus people love celebrities, especially when they’re being put through the wringer.
Which equals, famous people ‘going on a journey’ (of between three and 10 metres) while Tom smiles a lot and says 'well done'.
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| Andy Banks |
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| Jo Brand - Diving Expert ? |
Oh, and two of the judges are nasty.
Playing the baddies are Tom’s trainer Andy Banks (why no gold for Tom ?) and fellow diver Leon Taylor.
(Now if I was Andy Banks, I would keep a very low profile, and not appear on TV, considering the appalling showing made by British Diving in the recent Olympics)
And to balance out their no doubt impending maliciousness and vitriol, Jo Brand was on hand to offer her own expertise (?).
In saying that, to be fair, they weren't actually that harsh.
But secondly, because as they continually pointed out, as one celebrity after another toppled into the drink, it really is a very difficult thing to do.
It is also, sadly, dull. It just that it totally lacks any drama.
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| Leon Taylor and baby Tom |
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| Leon Taylor |
Now it is a fact that diving is not an exciting sport - even when people of Olympic standard dive.
A lot of waiting around, climbing steps, and then (and don't blink, or you'll miss it) a couple of seconds for the dive.
So, not surprisingly, nobody was really interested in diving until cute, little 'twinky' Tom, in his minuscule Speedos, started diving.
Now to make 'Splash !' more 'interesting' the journey that each 'celebrity' makes from poolside to board is presented as a protracted parade of loud music, posing and high fives.
They’re padding it out.
In reality it is a diving competition featuring individuals who can't dive - which is a bit like having swimming races for people who can't swim.
They’re padding it out.
In reality it is a diving competition featuring individuals who can't dive - which is a bit like having swimming races for people who can't swim.
Attempts to heighten the tension involved showing us some training injuries.
As sad music played, we witnessed in pre-recorded films presenter Jenni Falconer in tears with a nasty shoulder and Benidorm’s Jake Caruso outside A&E with a plaster on his nose, having banged his hooter on the bottom of the pool.
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| Jade Ewen |
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| Jake Caruso |
Doing his best worried face, Jake told us 'I don’t know if I’m going to do it'.
However, seeing as he was already sitting by the pool in a dressing gown (that hid a pair of red trunks nearly as small as Tom Daley's GB trunks !) as we watched the film, the odds were everything was going to be all right.
Elsewhere, Sugarbabe Jade Ewen managed to avoid being splashed all over the morning showbiz columns by dragging her skimpy, golden bikini top back into position just before she emerged from the pool after her dive.
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| Helen Lederer |
Comedy actress Helen Lederer (hasn't she got fat !) braved it out, but was clearly having the worst time of her life - like most of the TV audience.
Not to mention having to suffer the ignominy of being captured on film during practice being slid into the water on a mat by Tom - rather like a Mafia hit man getting rid of a body in a river.
It was only comedian Omid Djalili who briefly gave the whole thing a bit of a fillip.
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| Omid Djalili |
Dressed like a Victorian strong man, his sheer exuberance coupled with his gutsy approach to the task in hand managed to brighten things up.
However, even a man of Omid’s generous proportions could make barely a ripple on the surface of this damp squib of a show.
Another point that none of the ITV producers seem to have considered is the fact that a swimming pool is a very dull place - (the author of this blog knows, as he spends a couple of hours in a [very upmarket] pool, training, every day).
Even tarted up, for the competition, a pool is not a romantic or tantalising place, and as has been suggested before, diving is not the most compelling of sports.
In addition, swimming pools have a habit of bringing back childhood memories of unpleasant school swimming lessons, or junior swimming club sessions.
Unlike Tom, many people have an aversion to swimming pools, unless it's part of a five star hotel - preferably somewhere very hot.
In addition, swimming pools have a habit of bringing back childhood memories of unpleasant school swimming lessons, or junior swimming club sessions.
Unlike Tom, many people have an aversion to swimming pools, unless it's part of a five star hotel - preferably somewhere very hot.
A show which is supposed to be a 'diving contest', that consists of people who, either can't swim, are frightened of water, or are frightened of heights, are too fat or too old, and who (and this is important) can't dive, is unlikely to be worth watching.
Of course, like so many TV programs, 'Splash !' required sponsorship - in this case Domino’s Pizza
The fully integrated sponsorship package was negotiated by ITV Commercial and Arena Media on behalf of Domino’s Pizza.
The package has included broadcast, on-line and mobile, and commences 5 January 2013.
An ITV Commercial spokesperson said: "We are very excited for our new entertainment show Splash! to hit screens and entertain families all over Britain. (entertain ?)
We are delighted to welcome Domino’s Pizza on board as the sponsor of the programme, as we believe it will be an ideal platform for the brand to engage with their target audience.”
Simon Wallis, sales and marketing director at Domino’s also added: “Our decision to sponsor this brand new show fits perfectly in line with our target audience, promoting Domino’s at the ideal time and in the right place.”
The 'target audience' is obviously big fat slobs, glued to their L Z Boys (that's a chair for those not in the know) in front to the TV.
So once again Tom gets associated to purveyors of fattening, unhealthy food - Tom Daley is already associated with Nestle.
So much for the Olympic legacy !
And in case anyone's missed the point - you don't get a 'six-pack' (abdominals) like Tom Daley by eating Pizzas and chocolates.
Of course, like so many TV programs, 'Splash !' required sponsorship - in this case Domino’s Pizza
The fully integrated sponsorship package was negotiated by ITV Commercial and Arena Media on behalf of Domino’s Pizza.
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| Tom Daley and Domino’s Pizza |
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| Tom Daley and Nestle |
An ITV Commercial spokesperson said: "We are very excited for our new entertainment show Splash! to hit screens and entertain families all over Britain. (entertain ?)
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| Tom Daley - Posing |
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| Tom Daley - 'Six-pack' |
Simon Wallis, sales and marketing director at Domino’s also added: “Our decision to sponsor this brand new show fits perfectly in line with our target audience, promoting Domino’s at the ideal time and in the right place.”
The 'target audience' is obviously big fat slobs, glued to their L Z Boys (that's a chair for those not in the know) in front to the TV.
So once again Tom gets associated to purveyors of fattening, unhealthy food - Tom Daley is already associated with Nestle.
So much for the Olympic legacy !
And in case anyone's missed the point - you don't get a 'six-pack' (abdominals) like Tom Daley by eating Pizzas and chocolates.
China takes silver - at the Olympics
Tom Daley takes bronze - at the Olympics - Celebrating defeat ?
Ignoring the massively negative public reaction, and living in cloud-cuckoo-land, Daley said :
'Hopefully it will run for ten years like 'Dancing on Ice' and I can take Vernon’s spot. (I wonder how Vernon feels about that).
But I’d love to do anything like Dermot O’Leary or Ant & Dec, (as far as Ant and Dec are concerned this would involved Tom being cloned - and do we really want two Tom Daleys).
I’d like to present Saturday night TV, that is what I’d ultimately like to do once I’ve finished diving.
I’d like to host 'Splash !'.
That would be my dream job because it is a diving show, a reality show and on Saturday night prime-time'.
Unfortunately for Tom, however, he will have to do much better.
A poor effort at the Olympics (only third), has now been followed by a poor effort on TV.
The only thing that Tom really seems to work at, and succeed at, is presenting himself as a 'soft porn' twink.
Even his advertising forays have proved less than successful, with his Addidas range now available in 'budget stores' at half the original price, and his biography selling at an equally low price.
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| Waterstone Book Launch |
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| 'Jonathan Ross Show' |
On the 'Jonathan Ross Show' Tom made a huge faux-pas when he appeared in a collar and tie and tiny Speedos.
Supposedly intended as a 'joke', I think if most guys appeared in public dressed so totally inappropriately, (not in a swimming pool, at the beach, or at a body-building competition), they would be summarily ejected, or a police constable would be called.
And this is not the first time that Tom has pranced around in just his minuscule Speedos for no good reason.
He performed the same trick at his 'book launch', and for a number of previous TV interviews.
However, it seems likely that someone has had a quiet word in Tom's ear.
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| Tom in shorts |
What was really strange, though, was Tom, 'preppy' style, appearing in 'long' grey shorts and a white and green training top, at a swimming pool, when he would actually be justified in wearing trunks.
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| Tom practices for his male strip show |
This was doubtless a huge disappointment to his teen female fans, and his gay male fans, but then possibly someone has decided that Tom is not going to be taken seriously if he continues to present himself and be seen as a 'soft porn' exhibitionist.
Perhaps if 'Splash !' folds, as it probably will, Tom might take up a career as a male stripper, after all he already seems to be practising - (see the pathetic video clip - left)
And as an aside, what has Tom done to his hair ?
He's beginning to look like an un-dyed Jedward !
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| David Sparkes |
Olympic bronze medallist Daley was heavily criticised before London 2012 for not concentrating enough on his sport.
Now British Swimming chief executive David Sparkes has raised concerns over 18-year-old Daley's role as a mentor for the celebrity divers in Splash!
Sparkes said: 'Tom is an incredibly talented young man, but he's yet to achieve his full potential and it's only going to get harder to achieve that Olympic gold medal as he gets older.
'You can rest assured the next Chinese diving superstar will not have such distractions from training.
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| Jamie Cunningham |
Agent Jamie Cunningham said: 'Whatever people think about the show, Tom has come across incredibly well. We would only agree to such an undertaking at a quiet time of the year.
British Diving performance director Alexei Evangulov had warned last February that Daley faced missing out on an Olympic gold medal unless he reduced his media and sponsorship work.
He said: 'If I had power over this, I would restrict it. If you look at the Chinese, they work three times harder. That's the only secret. Just work hard.'
